FAST FOOD PYRAMID
GOING SANE – Chapter 9
I see the USDA is fiddling around with the food pyramid again. If you were to make a diagram of the Opperman Food Pyramid it would be based on a diet of simple carbs. It bulges at the sides like the Bent Pyramid of Snafru (or my family for that matter).
The foundation is the “gummy starches” or The Pasta, Pilaf and Potatoes Group which includes turkey pot pies, pancakes, rigatoni, French fries, macaroni and cheese, donuts, white bread, hash browns, waffles, granola, Cheese-Its, Cheese Nips, Cheetos, Fritos and pork fried rice.
Level two is The Cured Meats Group. Where I came from Dad didn’t just bring home the bacon, he brought home the nitrates. So turkey, fish and beef don’t actually fit in this group unless they contain at least as much MSG as dinner for eight at Chang’s Panda. The Cured Meats Group includes such staples as chicken fried steak, corned beef hash, chipped beef, jerky, fish sticks, corn dogs, canned stew, deviled ham, kipper snacks, baloney, salami, and smoked oysters on toothpicks.
Since a typical helping from The Cured Meats Group usually contains more sodium than a three-pound bag of pumpkin seeds, it’s only natural that it occupies the space next to The Cola Group which includes coffee, Kool Aid, cappuccino, Hawaiian Punch, Yoo-Hoo, Tang, Sanka and various generic store brands of canned diet soda bought by the case and stored on a hot garage floor.
As a rule, in the Opperman Food Pyramid anything that starts out as a product of nature must be rendered unrecognizable before serving. That’s why level four is not The Dairy Group but The Curdled Cultures Group which includes such favorites as Roquefort dressing, mayonnaise, canned gravy, chocolate shakes, banana pudding, Fudgecicles, cheesecake, Instant Breakfast, ice cream sandwiches and Velveeta cheese.
Similarly, we call this next section The Former Fruits And Vegetables Group which includes creamed corn, hot dog relish, maraschino cherries, marinated artichoke hearts, marmalade, mustard, catsup, Jell-O, onion dip, chocolate covered raisins, banana bread, pork chow mien and Pop Tarts.
At the apex of the Opperman Food Pyramid is The Munchies, Marinade and Medicines Group which includes such dietary basics as pistachios, Rolaids, Rolos, Bacos, Milk Duds, licorice whips, Dum Dums, Ding Dongs, Ho Ho’s, Ring Dings, M&M’s, Corn Nuts, and Maalox.
Is it any wonder I had gout at the age of nine?