DEPRESSION MADE EASY
GOING SANE – Chapter Four
Everyone’s depressed these days. Why not join the crowd? Well now you can with Depression Made Easy! You know, people come up to me all the time and they say, Dean, how do you manage to stay depressed in spite of the fact you have no biological or situational reasons to feel that way? I tell them it’s a choice! I was happy once, at peace, but I wanted to fit in. I, too, wanted be part of the Great American Commiseration! That’s when I developed Depression Made Easy, the complete recipe for creating the Plutonian psychological climate that’s reaping megabucks for shrinks, cults, faiths and pharmacological firms all over the globe! Depression Made Easy! My ten time-tested secrets guaranteed to bring happiness to a screeching halt wherever its ugly head may arise!
RULE #1) SHOW NO MERCY: Cut people off on the freeway. Sneer at the homeless. Hold grudges, burn bridges, create drama and leave a trail of wreckage in your path. Remember, it’s a jungle out there and you are the flamethrower.
RULE #2) GORGE ON THE MEDIA: Comb the headlines for signs of Armaggedon. Expose yourself to as many fear-mongering talk shows as you can cram into your day. Buy a gun. Build a bomb shelter.
RULE #3) SEEK IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION: Max out your credit cards on junk. Anything that supplies a momentary rush followed by a letdown fits the bill. Lottery tickets or crap from the home shopping channels are good examples. The important thing is to never downsize—just put it all in an expensive storage locker, then go buy more.
RULE #4) EAT FROM THE DEPRESSIVE’S “FOUR C’S”: Coffee, chocolate, Cokes, chips and mayonnaise. Did you count five? Maybe you’re dyslexic too. Smoke a pack of cigarettes and stew about it.
RULE #5) HEAVY DOES IT: Find the dark side to everything and sustain a deep-seated sense of pessimism. Pout, whine, and study your body for clues to imaginary illnesses. With practice, even a paper cut can be proof you were abducted by aliens.
RULE #6) BLAME EVERYONE ELSE: Place blame wherever possible but never on yourself. Avoid responsibility and accountability. Better yet, retain a lawyer and sue somebody. Why not your parents? After all, isn’t everything their fault?
RULE #7) UTILIZE BLACK AND WHITE THINKING: See things as either OK or horrible. Blow everything out of proportion. Pass judgment on whatever crosses your path. In the final analysis you are the Supreme Court and anyone who thinks otherwise should hang.
RULE #8) KEEP SCORE: Track everything your friends do and dwell on the bad stuff. Keep track of how many times they tick you off but don’t say anything until you reach the breaking point then blow your stack.
RULE #9) GET A BIGGER HAMMER: When things aren’t going your way, refuse to capitulate. Throw every ounce of pigheaded self-will at the problem that you can. Hypothetically, even Hoover Dam will move it you ram it with your head long enough.
RULE #10) CARPET YOUR RUT: When as a result of these suggestions your life becomes totally stagnant, don’t change. You dug this hole—it’s yours! Move in, hang pictures. Remember, the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole.
And there you have it! Depression Made Easy! Let these ideas float around in your head in an endless loop and keep a closed mind because rigidity is everything!